things I wished I had the courage to say 02

Please stop.

I can’t tell you how much I want you to just stop bothering me. I want to be alone. Or at least I don’t want to be in your company. Because you irk me. Your lack of sense of responsibility irks me. Your lack of dignity irks me. Your lack of commitment irks me.

I hate that I’ve let myself been used by you. I hate that I’m too much of a coward to say no. I hate that I ignore not confront you. I hate that you put me down so often. I hate that you insult me then expect me to respond to you.

But most of all, I hate the fact that I hate it when you don’t get the hint to leave me alone because it’s my fault for not requesting this outright. (But shouldn’t you also have some social awareness and infer that I don’t want to interact with you?)

So please, please just do me a favour and leave me alone. I’m happier that way.

things I wished I had the courage to say 01

I’ve missed you.

I’ve missed your presence in my life. I’ve missed our conversations. I’ve missed the time we spent together. I’ve missed your teasing. I’ve missed our endless banter. I’ve missed our nonsense. I’ve missed our spontaneity.

I’ve missed hiding you. I’ve missed doubting myself. I’ve missed feeling like I wasn’t worth your time. I’ve missed second-guessing your words and actions. I’ve missed the frustration of not being able to read what’s on your mind. I’ve missed being confused about where I stand in your life.

I’ve missed your toxicity.

Maybe it was a good thing you decided I wasn’t going to be in your life anymore. Maybe I’m subconsciously relieved that I can paint you as the bad guy. Maybe I’m happy, even, that I’ve removed negativity from my life.

But maybe I can’t move on from you either.

I promised myself I would remove myself from toxic people. And I will keep that promise.

But maybe you weren’t that toxic after all.