verbal diarrhoea 03: intolerant of intolerance

I’d like to believe that we as the human race have progressed from the days of discrimination and prejudice, but it saddens me to see mistrust, fear and suspicion still rife in our everyday lives.

Increasingly, we see a group of people who are starting to petition for more love in the world, to build bridges not walls, to urge people to come together not reject one another. An encouraging sight it is, but there are certain scenarios I’ve thought of that could result from this, and let’s just say that I’m not the most optimistic of people.

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Scenario #1:

The good guys use words to convince the human race that love is the way to go. War, hate, conflicts and violence will no longer be words in our dictionary. The world becomes peaceful once again. Everyone wins.

Scenario #2:

Words can’t convince the people who refuse to open their ears (and hearts). Left with no choice, the good guys start imposing their value of love and acceptance on everyone, extinguishing anyone who dares go against their narrative. The good guys teach the rest of us to reject intolerance, pressuring all the intolerant to become tolerant, or else face discrimination from society. Everyone now lives in a world of fear, fear that one word, one sentence, one action would stamp the label of intolerance on their backs, bringing shame and finger-wagging. In the end, the world will still become peaceful again, but the air will be filled with tension and fear, won’t it?

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Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t promote love; love is a great emotion that should be the foundation of all our actions in an ideal world. (But then again, we’ve seen so many cases of love gone wrong.) It’s just a musing of mine that we are so often unintentionally hypocritical in our pursuits to make the world a better place, and often it is inevitable. Isn’t it ironic that violence is so often used to combat violence, and now intolerance is used to fight intolerance? Definitely, we should try to reduce intolerance,  but doing so by being intolerant of intolerance would just, in my humble opinion, defeat the whole purpose of it.

verbal diarrhoea 02

He noticed her silence, which could mean anything, really, but he decided to take it as tiredness and reached for the stack of books on her arms, wanting to relieve a little of her burden.

“It’s fine,” she said, clutching the books ever so tightly. “I’m just a little tired today.”

“Yeah, I can totally tell from your face, which coincidentally is also –”

“My sad face, my angry face, my annoyed face, my frustrated face,” she cut in, rolling her eyes. “Looks like I still need to work on my facial expressions.”

They continued walking in silence.

But her eyes gave it away, he thought. Her eyes were the most emotive things he had ever come across in his years of existence. They lit up brilliantly when she has happy; they burned with fire when she talked about her passion. They drooped with sadness, blazed with fury, sparkled with mischief.

He’ll do anything to gaze into those eyes for the rest of his life.

verbal diarrhoea 01

If you could travel in time, would you travel back to the past or to the future?

The aforementioned age-old question has always made me stuck: on the one hand, I’d love to go back in time, maybe not to change things, but to experience certain feelings over and over again; on the other, I’d love to fast-forward time to see if all I’m doing would be worthwhile.

It’s no secret that I’m a sucker for nostalgia, and I’m hopelessly in love with the idea of going back in time to warn my younger self of the perils and dangers of some of my past decisions. Yet, if it weren’t for those decisions, I wouldn’t be in the position I am today, I wouldn’t have gathered these varied experiences. Sometimes, I recall the happenings of yesteryear, even the painful ones, and I have no idea why. People say that it’s no good to dwell on the past, and I agree, but I just can’t seem to get past that stage, the stage of fretting over things which have long been written in history. I seem to enjoy the dull ache in my chest every time I recall events I’m still bitter over, for there isn’t any other reason why I seem to be unable to move on, when everyone is already leaps and bounds ahead of me.

Visiting the future would give the insecure me the confidence boost I need to make the decisions of today. Yet, I’m afraid the security in the choices I make will steal the thrill of the unknown, which I fear oh-so-much, but simultaneously give me the adrenaline to make spontaneous decisions.

After spending countless showers thinking about this, I’d like to think that I’ve made a decision. Unfortunately, my fickle-minded heart can never decide whether I’d want to go back in time or to the future because I’m indecisive just like that. (Indecisiveness will one day be my fatal flaw.) And so, I’m still inconclusive as to what my decision will be if I was given this opportunity.

things I wished I had the courage to say 02

Please stop.

I can’t tell you how much I want you to just stop bothering me. I want to be alone. Or at least I don’t want to be in your company. Because you irk me. Your lack of sense of responsibility irks me. Your lack of dignity irks me. Your lack of commitment irks me.

I hate that I’ve let myself been used by you. I hate that I’m too much of a coward to say no. I hate that I ignore not confront you. I hate that you put me down so often. I hate that you insult me then expect me to respond to you.

But most of all, I hate the fact that I hate it when you don’t get the hint to leave me alone because it’s my fault for not requesting this outright. (But shouldn’t you also have some social awareness and infer that I don’t want to interact with you?)

So please, please just do me a favour and leave me alone. I’m happier that way.

things I wished I had the courage to say 01

I’ve missed you.

I’ve missed your presence in my life. I’ve missed our conversations. I’ve missed the time we spent together. I’ve missed your teasing. I’ve missed our endless banter. I’ve missed our nonsense. I’ve missed our spontaneity.

I’ve missed hiding you. I’ve missed doubting myself. I’ve missed feeling like I wasn’t worth your time. I’ve missed second-guessing your words and actions. I’ve missed the frustration of not being able to read what’s on your mind. I’ve missed being confused about where I stand in your life.

I’ve missed your toxicity.

Maybe it was a good thing you decided I wasn’t going to be in your life anymore. Maybe I’m subconsciously relieved that I can paint you as the bad guy. Maybe I’m happy, even, that I’ve removed negativity from my life.

But maybe I can’t move on from you either.

I promised myself I would remove myself from toxic people. And I will keep that promise.

But maybe you weren’t that toxic after all.